What's Your Excuse This Time?
by PrincessRosa
Summary: It's swimming in PE at school and Axel would do anything to get out of it. And so, apparently, would the others. Rated for slight language. Mention: AU and very much a crack fic.


**A/N:** This is a oneshot inspired by my actual PE department and class, note that it is AU and very much a crack fic. :) I hope you guys like it (:

**Disclaimer:** Kingdom Hearts belongs to Square Enix and Disney. Not me. Shame, eh?

**What's your excuse this time?**

A Kingdom Hearts Fanfiction

From Axel's POV

Oh great. Oh, this is just fan_**frikkin**_tastic. Is double history with that loony old Xemnas not enough? That lovely school board clearly doesn't think so! No! Double PE. Now, normally, this would be reason to jump around doing a happy little jig, but not for these past few weeks. It's _**'on the curriculum list' **_that we _**'have to do' **_6 weeks of swimming. Every year! So, sixth period PE, here I come.

I shall not come quietly or unarmed. No! I come, drum roll please, with a note! Yes. The ever-powerful excuse. I've used one every day for the past three weeks. Me, the fantastic fiery Axel Takahashi, swim? I think not. I finally appreciate that book of excuses Reno gave me when he graduated. He said it might be useful to me some day. I was more than happy to take anything he gave me, he's a freaking legend! In four years of high school, Reno managed to get out of PE every single time, and nobody could figure out how he did it. He was the master. Notes, injuries, anything that could possibly get him out of PE, he'd done it. Actually, looking back, some of his injuries may have been real. He was a bit of a klutz. Has this book ever come in handy? I think so!

So, as I sauntered out of my double period of history, into the corridor, I went fearlessly. No way could Mr. Leonhart get me into that pool today. Or any day for that matter. But seriously, why put it on the curriculum? Here at Thirteenth Street High, nobody but Demyx wants to swim. Funnily enough, nobody but Demyx was carrying a PE bag, again. So… did that mean that Demyx was alone in the pool? Again?

Whatever. So long as I don't get splashed, I'm fine with sitting on the benches. As I wandered down the halls and trudged down the stairs, I saw Larxene giggling with Vexen in front of me. Apparently I wasn't the only one making up excuses! I didn't even look at the excuse I picked out this morning. I was running so late, all I had time to do was fix my hair, get dressed and drink some water – ugh! Even that word makes me shudder. Whatever. All my excuses have worked in the past.

As the pool came into view, there was a collective shudder all around. All except Demyx that is, he bounded past us all and started to sprint towards the pool block. Ha, shouting "Race ya!" isn't going to make people hurry to the pool. Not towards that watery hell. No way in Kingdom Hearts was I going anywhere near that pool!

I started to slouch up the steps into the pool building, and I swear, I **felt** everybody slow down. Except Demyx of course. He'd disappeared into the watery hell about five minutes ago. Anyways, as we all mumbled and groaned our way towards the benches where an impatient and annoyed looking Mr. Leonhart was standing, we heard him finishing up with a spluttering Larxene and her excuse.

"Larxene, you have your period, again? Still? This is the fourth week today. I seriously think you should go and have a chat with Nurse Aerith. She may be able to give you something."

There was a collective snicker throughout the class as Larxene stood there and gaped.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Off you go!" Mr. Leonhart boomed.

Larxene scowled at everyone before stalking out of the pool block. Anyone who'd laughed was going to get hell after school. We all made mental notes to run home when the final bell rang.

"Everyone else! Sit down! I will be calling roll, and asking each and every one of you why you are not in your swimming gear!" Mr. Leonhart shouted.

Rolling my eyes, I sat down next to Vexen and Roxas. Roxas was doing some weird squinty thing. Shame. He had pretty eyes. Very good for distracting me in history. On my other side, Vexen was sniffing theatrically, on what appeared to be timed intervals. This was going to be an amusing lesson.

"Xigbar. Why are you not in your swimsuit?"

Everyone turned to stare at Xigbar, waiting for his excuse. "Well sir, you see, at this time in my life, I seem to be missing a toe." Xigbar drawled. There were many badly covered up "The Hell?"'s.

"Okay… I'll speak to you after class about the proper handling of a gun in rifle practice areas, Xigbar. That is how it happened, correct?" Mr. Leonhart sighed.

"Correct sir." was Xigbar's bored response.

"Xaldin? What's your excuse?" Mr. Leonhart barked.

"My asthma's acting up." Xaldin said with a smirk. He then wheezed absurdly. "See? No way I could put myself in water and risk dying."

"Vexen."

Vexen grinned. "I seem to have come down with a cold sir."

I had to snort at that. No wonder he'd been sniffing. I received a disapproving glare from Mr. Leonhart for my little slip.

"Lexaeus. What's your excuse?" That evil, evil man continued (I shall now refer to him either as Mr. Leonhart or E.E.M)

Lexaeus went bright red, which was strange in itself, before managing to stutter "I haven't found the time to go to the gym lately… and as I'm abysmally unfit at the moment, my swimsuit is unflattering… and…"

Mr. Leonhart cocked an eyebrow. "And?"

"I can't swim until I've been to the gym some more! Okay?"

"How long has it been exactly since you last went?"

Lexaeus hung his head in apparent shame. "Going on a week sir."

Mr. Leonhart scoffed before continuing. "Strife. Give me your excuse."

Cloud stood, some weird thing he'd learnt in his last school was that he had to stand up whenever answering a teacher, and softly touched his bandaged nose. "I brope by bose sir."

"You broke your nose? How?" Mr. Leonhart asked without a note of sympathy in his voice.

"Zach hit be." Cloud hissed, turning to stare at Zack Fair, one of Cloud's 'posse'. "Zack Fair."

Mr. Leonhart turned a raised eyebrow to Zack, a dark haired boy who stood up, infuriated, to answer Clouds accusation. He too, was sporting a giant band-aid on his nose. "He hit be birst!" Zack screeched.

Mr. Leonhart merely told them both to sit down and continue after school if they had to hurt each other before turning to Zexion. "Zexion. Please explain why you are also not dressed for swimming."

The boy people enjoyed calling 'emo' merely shook his slate colored fringe out of his eyes before answering sounding psychotic. "Why can't you understand that some people have allergies? Why can't you understand that some people are DIFFERENT? I'm allergic to chlorine! I can't tell you every time! Learn about me not just your other students!" was all he got out before breaking down in tears.

Sometimes I understood why people thought he was emo. It was one of the longest speeches I'd ever heard Zexion make. Mr. Leonhart excused Zexion before shooting glances up and down the bench, and for once, instead of shouting, Mr. Leonhart merely asked "Where's Saix? If I catch that boy skipping my class –"

"It's the full moon tonight sir. He's never in during the full moon." Xaldin blurted out before Mr. Leonhart could wind himself up anymore.

"Ah. Yes. Demyx… here. Congratulations Demyx, first and only. As usual. Hop in the pool then."

Demyx squealed in a surprisingly feminine way before jumping out of his seat and scurrying up the perimeter of the pool. He had reached the diving blocks before Mr. Leonhart had a chance to start on Luxord.

"Luxord… why are you not dressed today? And… where in the name of Kingdom Hearts are your socks?" E.E.M asked whilst staring at the skimpily dressed and shoe (and, incidentally sock)less Luxord.

Luxord merely sighed before admitting that he had lost his money to buy a swimsuit through gambling… and as for the socks, well, he admitted to losing those in a particularly **vicious** game of strip poker.

"Luxord… you're so young. At least improve before going off to gamble when it's legal for you. I didn't hear you admit to that gambling… Now… where is Marluxia? He's usually okay at swimming."

Now it was my turn to stand up. Marluxia had called me sounding even more stressed out that usual that morning, and so, incidentally, I was the only one who knew where he was. "He can't leave his house. His hedges grew like Wonderland, overnight, and he's trapped."

"Doesn't he of all people have gardening tools?"

"Sir, their cutting off his house from the rest of the world. His shed is outside their perimeter." I said hanging my head.

"Ah... Anyways… away from mutant hedges…" Mr. Leonhart glared at us all until some of us got that point that he'd actually made a joke, and laughed with a prominent air of panic, before continuing with, "Larxene…. Nurse… which leaves Roxas and Takahashi."

Why did he call everyone except me by their first name? Favoritism is a bitch man!

"Roxas. Explain to me why you are not in your swimming gear. Now." Mr. Leonhart snapped.

Roxas squinted up at Mr. Leonhart before he spoke. "I seem to have gone temporarily blind sir."

"Temporarily blind?" Mr. Leonhart questioned with a look of disbelief on his face. He wasn't the only one looking as though Roxas's excuse was idiotic and absurd. Temporarily blind? Who did he think he'd fool?

"Yes sir. Temporarily blind."

"How?"

"I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror, and all I saw was a shining star."

Mr. Leonhart didn't even waste a minute contradicting Roxas's excuse.

Snickers erupted throughout the class. It was known Roxas thought highly of himself, but hey, everyone can dream eh? My smiley face soon went all frowny when Mr. Leonhart turned to me and all but screamed "Takahashi! You aren't in your swimsuit! Why not?"

"Oh sir, I have my reasons. Here, read my note." I said solemnly. I stood and handed him my beautifully and tastefully forged note in its pretty red envelope.

Mr. Leonhart's face got more and more annoyed with every line he seemed to read. He looked me up and down before asking quite simply, if I was a boy. _That,_ was just insulting. The class laughed at _me_ for Pete's sake. Roxas and Zexion are the ones you laugh at! **Not me!** Indignantly, I responded that I was in fact _male_. Mr. Leonhart actually cracked a grin before slowly looking down at the note and reading out loud:

_Dear Mr. Leonhart,_

_Please excuse my beautiful, fiery son Axel from swimming today, as he cannot do it._

_He has his period._

_Sincerely, Mrs. Takahashi._

_P.S. Thanks for your understanding and letting my wonderful son sit out._

Realization dawned on my face as he read out my note. My beautiful note. My gateway to dryness. Periods are what girls, like Larxene, get. Not manly men such as myself! I knew I should have paid more attention in biology.

Screw biology. I stood up, and sprinted out of my watery hell.

**A/N:** Review please (: I'm more than open to criticism. Tell me what you liked, what you hated, any mistakes you found, and any tips you'd like to share. :) Kudos to anyone who got what I was making fun of :)


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